Category Archives: Writings

Books and Books of Odds and Ends

I’ve become aware that I have a weird need to record and organize everything I think about, and everything that I encounter in life ok. Weird things too.

I just had the idea to write a book called “A Book of Encounters”. Where I record the names of people I’ve met, how I met them, and my thoughts and first impressions about them, and where our friendship is now. Is that weird or what? Like, I just want to have a big book of encounters that I’ve recorded. That’s weird.

Also, I just want to have a book I carry around with me so I can record all my thoughts throughout the day. Like, EVERY thought.

And I want to have a book about stranger’s faces. Because I’ve become aware that when I’m walking around or sitting somewhere, or maybe even talking to someone I’ve just met, I’ll pay strange attention to their individual features, and then look at their face as a whole, and then look at their individual features again. And I want to draw them and put them in a book. I’m a weird person.

I also want to keep a record of more personal things, I won’t mention here because it’s just part of my life and it’d be weird to share. But its about keeping people in memory and just- I don’t know.

I have a fascination with wanting to have books and books of just thoughts and observations throughout my life. Of people, of emotions, of body language, of encounters, of art. Of everything and anything. It just seems so interesting to me that I can record all this now and look back on it. I want to remember the people in my life, I want to remember feelings and emotions and faces.

I don’t know if this is just a weird thing or what the heck it is. But it makes me stressed out sometimes because there’s so many thoughts and things I want to record but I don’t know where to start or if I could actually do it. But it gives me anxiety because everything is so disorganized. I need everything in books. MUST. BE. ORGANIZED. MUST. RECORD.

Gosh I’m odd xx

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Introverts and the Outside World

I’ve been an introvert since before I can remember. It was even worse when I was in elementary school. Anytime I got called on, I would refuse to speak. All eyes on me for any amount of time was and still is, too much for me. I hate being the center of attention in any large group of strangers. And you bet, I would never raise my hand for anything other than being excused to the restroom. Even then, it gave me anxiety. And presentations, forget about it! I have nightmares about that kind of stuff. I’ve always considered myself an introvert for these reasons. I hate large groups of strangers. I hate all eyes on me. I hate presentations. I will not approach a person first. I enjoy quiet time by myself. It helps me recharge. I hate buying stuff by myself. I hate ordering food by myself. I hate going to shops and stores and running errands by myself. I’ve always been called shy. I’ve always been called introverted.

And a lot of times, my shyness is mistaken for being stuck up and rude. And I hate it so much. My shyness makes me a bit awkward when encountering strangers for the first time. Not all of my encounters are weird and uncomfortable where I’m forcing a conversation with someone I just met, but there are those time when I start to sweat and panic when trying to make the conversation flow. It’s weird, it seems like there’s a spectrum for my awkwardness with meeting new people. Sometimes you can tell by my body language that I am uncomfortable talking to someone I just met, which makes me even more awkward because I’m noticing that I’m being noticeably awkward! And if I notice it, they notice it. Which makes me panic even more. But sometimes, when first meeting someone, I’m so outgoing and automatically comfortable with the person. And I can joke and sit in silence without it being awkward. I don’t know why that happens. But it sometimes does.

Anyways, let me tell you about an encounter when I first met my now-best-friend. This was in the summer session of college. We were longboarding on top of a garage, I was there with my three guys friends and a few of their other friends. And someone brought along two girls with them. Neither one of them knew how to longboard, so they sat along the side of the garage just watching everyone. One of the guys introduced me and (Let’s call her Sara). I said hi, she said hi. She asked me where I was from, and I told her. And to that, I kind of awkwardly just slipped away from the conversation because I freaked out and forgot how to speak apparently. In my mind, I wasn’t trying to be rude. I’m just socially awkward okay.

She went with her friend and sat back down on the side. She was looking at my longboard and I asked if she knew how to ride. She said no, and asked if she could try. And I said yes, and that I could show her how. So I did. But everyone was going down the garage at this time, and Sara sort of started having a side convo with my other friend, so I picked up my board and started longboarding. Again, in no way was this meant to be mean. I was just awkward.

Me and her are great friends now, but just a couple weeks ago I found out that she thought I hated her when we first met. She said I came across of stuck-up and rude. And into-myself. Why? Because she misinterpreted my shyness and my awkwardness as, well, being a stuck up bitch. And if you know me, you know for a fact that I am none of those things.

I was kind of embarrassed and felt awful when I found out what she thought of me when we first met. I told her no! I’m just shy and awkward and didn’t know what to say. And she rolled her eyes and was like…”You didn’t seem shy to me. You just seemed rude.” I wanted to cry.

But lucky for me, this has made me more aware of how people can interpret my shyness, and I’m learning to try and not let that happen anymore. Damn shyness. It’s always causing problems.

The Future

SB 4

“Thinking about my future makes my head feel like it’s going to explode.”

It’s true.
There has been so many times when I’ve thought about my future
And I have no idea what it’s going to be
Or where I want to go.
And I end up hunched in a ball
With make-up running
Down my face.

There’s so many options.

I love writing, I love painting, I love illustrating, I love animating, I love designing, I love travelling, I love and have a passion for so many things.

I don’t know what I’m going to do.

I’ve been in the same position many times when someone finds out I’m an art major: “Pfft…art major? What on earth are you Going to do with an art degree?”

I couldn’t tell you.

Because I don’t know yet.

Some of my friends have even made fun of me for it. They would call me “The starving artist” because they don’t believe I could possibly earn a living making art.

I know that I will.

I don’t know how, but eventually I will. Because I’m in love with art. My very being is made up of art. And when you’re that passionate about something, when you’re so in love with something, the product will be outstanding and is bound to be successful.

Yes, you could choose something that is more likely to get you more money. But are you in love with it? Do you really want to be doing That the rest of your life? Because when you’re not passionate about something, you’re not determined to make it the best it can be. And when you’re not determined to make it the best it can be, The end result shows that lack of passion. And when there’s a lack of passion, there’s a lack of success.

So tell me now, whose going to be more Successful?

Someone who hates their job with a passion and is going to be Stuck all their life?

Or someones whose passion for their job could set the earth on fire?

I don’t know where I’m going to end up, but I have faith in God and the talent that He gave me that I will end up somewhere good.